Here we go… The Holy Days

Holiday weirdness here we go!

I make bank deposits daily and around the same time of day.  It’s the same bank teller every single day without interruption; every day its “Have a Happy Thanksgiving!”  My gawd woman, every day?  Either it’s Bank Policy or the humdrum of routine but I still find it annoying.  That, and assuming every person celebrates Thanksgiving.  I don’t.  I did when I was younger mostly to get my dysfunctional family together (which we rarely do, if ever) only to regret the decision which is why I stopped doing it!

Occasionally I’ll get a dinner invitation from friends I may or may not accept.  I don’t always accept.  This year, it’s like any other day.  My grandmother calls me to tell me she’s going to the casino to gamble in Tampa. No traditional family dinner, she’s tired of it and I say, good for her!  Gambling sounds way more fun than dropping $200 on a dinner and dirty dishes.

I can’t stand Christmas and the only reason I put up all the holiday crapola was for my kid.  My kid is grown.  When he left for the Army you bet your ass all that shit went into the dumpster.  I saved the ornaments because I figured he may come home for Christmas at least this year and he is.  We had the ‘tree’ discussion and to my surprise, he agreed that he didn’t need it.  Maybe that will change when he arrives home and I’m prepared.  I get it, it helps him feel the excitement of getting stuff and he likes the old wassailing traditions.  I guess he doesn’t know any other way because I sure haven’t taught him.  In fact, I’ve probably taught him that any day is as good as any to get stuff and wish your loved ones ‘good health’.  He’s pretty spoiled but not so much to turn him into an insufferable brat.

Me? I’m the brat.  I call it Christmas Crap, I’m the Grinch, and I’m cynical about all the reasons people choose to celebrate the Holy Days.  Pretty sure my son will call me Queen Grinch at least a dozen times while on leave and maybe even grab me and shake me “Mom, why do you hate Christmas!”

Most, if not all, people are just excited to get stuff and maybe some snow. The turning of the wheel kind of thing.  All those religious weirdos that take this holy stuff seriously are on T.V..  They certainly ain’t in my social strata.

Then there’s that New Year’s Resolution shit, you know these people making promises to turn over a new leaf or start with a clean slate are deluding themselves.  If they really wanted to stop or start doing something, they’d already be doing  (not doing) it.

And finally, my birthday which lands on January 3rd.  I get all that “No wonder, you’re a Capricorn!” shit so often I want to throat punch every last person that makes mention of it. Instead, I just stay away from people in general.  Lone Wolves ain’t got shit on me.  It’s been days since I’ve seen a living breathing person, and it can go on for weeks and sometimes months.   So if I come off insane at times it’s because I live in my own head that I have to force myself to step out of it.  I can appreciate the value of Artificial Companions and disposable people. It seems sociopathic if not cruel the way I use people like paper bags and I make no apologies for that because it is.  At least in contrast to what other people (unlike me) would have to say about it.

Holidays don’t make me depressed or upset, I just sort of shake my head and roll my eyes at the pretentiousness of it all.  It will be over later rather than sooner because it’s only November.   A whole fiscal quarter of this stuff.

There’s perks around this time of year too, don’t get me wrong.  People are all “Good Will to All!” so they’re awarding you with cash prizes, shorter days to labor and longer days to stay in all cozy by the fire.  Then snow days!   It may cost you a day of business on one hand but on the other, it all comes out in the wash in the end.   I’d rather stay in and make stuff than go chase carrots and pies in the sky anyway.

I tell myself to just tune it out, breathe, look away and don’t kick over plastic snowmen.  At some point, you can bet your ass poly-resin Santa and his merry band of idiots are getting a  cunt punt!  Just not today.

Reminds me of that Reiki Affirmation (SIN-ified):

Just for Today:

I will not worry,

I will do my work earnestly,

I will honor my teachings

I will not destroy shit 

I will give living things a pass,

Just for Today.

SIN JONES

 

 

 

 

 

I stand alone

I stand alone

There are many poetic statements I could make about my solitude, but in my mind’s eye I know such notions would get twisted and lost in the minds of others.

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This society has become symbol-illiterate.  It has become tunneled with focus on the literal, material, and corporal suffering of other men.  I suppose it gives a person a sense that no matter how bad things get, they can always be worse.  Flip the coin, and each person suffers quietly in their own heads with all their wanting, they covet what other men have.

The philosophies of the East teach man not to attach to his wants, his feelings, his actions, and he will live a happier and ‘easier’ life.  His suffering can be alleviated by Esoteric methods.  In the literalisms of our human condition, the majority prefer Exoteric means.  In a sense, it’s Peter Pan syndrome.  People are still looking for the Geenie in the lamp to grant all their hopes and dreams true.  The imaginations of our childhood are useful to a degree but they can also be the very thing that destroys any real chance to exceed our humanity.

I am not looking for someone like me, because there are no birds in this world that are of my feather or flock. I stand alone.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I prefer my own company to any in this world.

In my youth, I was cynical and misanthropic towards my fellow man.  The rampant stupidity and lack of self-awareness gave me some understanding towards men that seek to completely exterminate those they find detestable like pesky insects.  Imagine a lovely picnic you prepare for your family, you lay out all the delicious food to be immediately overrun by ants.  One ant is a bother, but millions?  It can consume your picnic whole.  Genocide is never a real solution to our ‘human problem’, nor is finding superior genetic stock.  The problem has always been what we are, how we are, and the ways that we can BE.

How can a mother BE so abusive?

How can a man BE so heartless?

How can a group BE so persecuting?

How can we BE so stupid?

I could list a million ways to BE, and they change like the winds, our nature is fickle and flighty.  As children we are taught how we must BE but, this doesn’t really coincide with our nature.  It’s just conditioning that we often have to scrub later.  So how then should we BE?

I stand alone.  In introspect I am with my kind.  I can’t say I always understand why people are the way they are.  Why they do the things they do, but what I can say is that some people change with circumstance but most often people stay the same.  We are a midst people systems, and liberating ourselves from such cages is a dream at best.

The best we can do is be aware of the systems, and revel against the machine.  I’ll be the monkey-wrench, and it only takes one to jam the mechanism from operating without pause.

                           ”Boulevard Of Broken Dreams. Green Day”

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But it’s home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
When the city sleeps
And I’m the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a…

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone up there will find me
‘til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah

I’m walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What’s fucked up when everything’s alright
Check my vital signs
To know I’m still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a…

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone up there will find me
‘til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, aaah-ah
Ah-ah, ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a…

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
When the city sleeps
And I’m the only one and I walk a…

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone up there will find me
‘til then I walk alone…