What could a woman possibly do for 75K?

brothelI had no idea who Lamar Odom was until this morning and after getting over my gag-reflex to find out he’s the husband to one of those Kardashians (Khloe), the topic on the news this morning was visiting a Brothel, dropping 75K and falling into a Coma.  The embodiment of sin:

Cocaine, performance enhancement supplements and two women round the clock to service his every need over the course of 4 days’; over-fill leaving one empty sounds about right.  Even if the marriage is over, divorce papers haven’t been signed and there’s Khloe to swoop in and make medical decisions on his behalf.  I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t want my estranged wife deciding what happens to me after finding out I over-dosed in a Brothel.   I’ve been in a Coma, I guess I’m one of the fortunate ones to not have any memory of it, unlike Martin Pistorius who spent 12 years comatose and remembers everything.  Could you imagine laying there listening to friends and family talk about what to do with you?  Mind-boggling for sure.  But hey, what a great opportunity for self-promotion!

While Khloe is posting Selfies and continues to keep her fans captivated (value judgment being subjective), the guy that can’t stop talking about it is Dennis Hof,.   He cracks me up, what a hoot!.  No fucks are given about the outcry about poor-taste, or the jokes this guy is and seizing the day!  He’s appeared on just about every talk show and podcast to talk about the event.  This sort of promotion for his ranch would cost him millions!  Aside that, the rumor that Lamar was fleeced just provides more opportunity to advertise the biz!  I’ve been to Vegas plenty and if you compared it to say, a Southern State, they are worlds apart.  I say, good for him – work the crowd!

Then the matter of dropping 75K and what these women at the Love Ranch could have possibly done worth that much over 3 Days.  According to Hof, Lamar intended to stay 4 days, possibly 5 and had very specific requests.  He was quoted 15K a day, agreed and put it on his credit card.  Typical business transaction in NV but to people outside of that world, there must have been something far more nefarious at work.  Never mind that the guy had a history of addiction, was going through a divorce and was distraught over his portrayals in the media and the Kardashian’s TV Show.  People sure have funny ideas about what Capital should and shouldn’t be used for.  They scream “Human Trafficking!”   Meanwhile, in my neck of the woods (Hampton Roads) there was an FBI Bust, a dozen or so Pimps were nabbed and juvenile’s ‘rescued‘ from the business.  All the Norfolk locals know that the hotels up and down North Hampton Blvd. have always been a hot-spot for Prostitution.  Not exactly shocking.  The idea that there were 12 year olds among the sex workers gives the local community an impression that these ‘children’ were coerced, groomed, or kidnapped.  Highly unlikely, among them were transgendered folk and it’s a fetish here and elsewhere.  It’s more likely that these were runaways looking for work, your body is a commodity.  Excuse me if I can’t find a single reason to agree with my so-called “community” on the subject.

A comment I keep hearing is “He paid $75,000.00 for What?” in an accusatory tone.  When I hear sound bytes from the morally outraged, I can’t help but shake my head.  Really?  So on one hand, female personalities hold feminist views but then go on to devalue what Sex Workers are worth in their trade?  Got it.  Would you be willing to wait on 6′ something dude hand and foot for 15K a day?  How much is your service worth?  Most days I tune out the news because I can’t relate to the opinions of others nor what constitutes a crime and the arbitrary laws to persecute them.   Some days, I’ll step outside of my own head, even if just for contrast.  Then, I’m quickly reminded of my Misanthropy.  While I continue to work on it, I don’t think I’ll ever truly transcend it.  At this stage, I’m good with that.  Doesn’t mean I won’t still navigate the terrain and find empathic connections along the way.  I much prefer the microcosm which is my world. The ripple effects of it reach out to the Macro but are rarely any of my concern.



The selfie.  I was guilty of it before Selfies were even a thing. When I was a young girl, there were rarely any photos of me that I had only a mirror to rely on to see myself.  I mean that in the sense that you see yourself beyond what you envision in your own mind.  When I did glance at a candid shot of myself taken by a relative or friend, I’d really be shocked.  “Do I really look like that?”  I really had no idea!  I did some modeling in my late teens – early 20’s and the photographer would describe me as ” A beauty that film can not capture”, this would be attributed to camera angles that would alter what I really do look like.  Take any 20 images of me and line then up side-by-side, you’ll see it too.  Friends often tell me that I look nothing at all like my photographs.  In Video even more so.  I have plenty of video clips on youtube, when I look at them, I find it fascinating how light and shadow can alter your appearance.  Is this really me?  No, of course not.  It’s pixel magic!

I can somewhat relate to the Santerians that refuse photography of any kind believing it captures your essence in a way that imprisons your soul.  If the photograph falls into the wrong hands, the beholder can do you great harm.  I say somewhat because I think it’s all in your own head.  I could certainly allow bad photos of me to chip away at my Ego, I don’t allow it. I embrace even the shittiest of pics.  My Ego is pretty solid.  Thousands of photographs are available online, the good, bad and the ugly.  The older photos may be buried in the archive but they are still out there.   I look at them often to see subtle changes in my face and body.  The not so subtle is obviously my hair (or lack there of).  I still have Alopecia, I glamour my way through it but mostly I just got tired of maintaining a completely bald dome.  When people say I look “Better” now, than two years ago I find it’s just adjusting back to a head with a little bit of hair.  It is what it is, subjective and opinionated.  This is MY body.  Only I need to be satisfied by it.   Outside opinion is just feedback about it for whatever reason motivates a person to share it.   Intimacy between two people involves mutual body-sharing but it’s not the same thing as approval seeking.

When I post a new photo on my microblog, I often get fanmail. “You look great!” and “You’re so sexy!” are fairly common.  Every once in a while I’ll get “Did you lose weight?  Lookin’ good!”  Which really makes me giggle.  I actually weigh more now than I ever have in the past.  Amazing what 10lbs will do.  I’ll be 42 in January, I tend to think that my age presents my appearance in a particular way.  When I published Between a Sandwich and a Hard Place in 2013, I was 135 lbs.  Today, I’ve

plateaued at 144 and been holding that weight for a while now.  At 5′ tall and with my body dimensions, I’d describe my body as thick.  I make no apologies for it and people rarely believe me when I give them my real weight.  “No way, you’re so tiny!”  Tiny?  I haven’t worn a size 3 since I was 28.  I jumped 3 sizes to 9 since then and that’s with eating healthy and being active.  Imagine if I sat around eating bon-bons all day.  Am I body conscious?   Sure as hell am, I feel every giggle in my wiggle! In the Spring/Summer season I’m quite active outdoors, do my own yard work and am go, go, go that I wonder how these hamhocks stick around.  Towards the end of the Fall and duration of Winter, I tend to go into hibernation mode.  I hate to be cold and prefer the warmth of fuzzy blankets and over-the-knee socks.

I revamped my studio so I could change-up my routine this year.   I can be a creature of habit and I’ve been breaking up those old cycles for a while now.  I don’t know if it’s empty-nest syndrome or what but I’m getting a different sense of who I am beyond just being Dillon’s Mom.  Even if my lifestyle wasn’t altered all that much, I think I did retreat, even if only a little, into that role that it’s taken me this long to remember what the hell I was doing before that.   I can’t say much, if anything has really  changed.  I guess the people around me figured I’d go all Beserker mode but I never did hide myself away as a parent.  Even if I had my fair share of critics it’s never made an impact. 

I still enjoy my hobbies, reject the Art World and all of its trappings.  I remain aesthetically driven which is why even my dusty cob-webby garage has to look just so for me to function properly.   The house remains an organic expression of imagery that acts as a vehicle for an over-active mind.  Whether its items that decorate my living space or my person, that impulse remains unwavering.  I doubt that habit will ever break, it’s my foundation.  Naturally there will be pics!  To me, it’s just another form of personal expression.  If I’m called an Attention Whore or Narcissist, this has little to do with me but rather the viewer.  This is me.  This is what I like and what I do.   I’m not one to be quiet about it either.  Never have been.  Why should I be?  I will not go quietly into the night, nor will I cloak myself in modesty.  I recently took a series of photos for a man I’ve been spending time with.  I put a couple up on my blog because I liked them. Why else would I do it?  For my fans?  My readers?  For some projected idea of celebrity?  You may find yourself disappointed if you really believe that to be true.  If my expressions of  self-love were somehow missed, allow me to remind you, ten fold!

If I have an over-inflated sense of self-importance, we may just disagree on what LIFE really is.  It’s not a series of expectations to meet, or purposes to fulfill.  It’s something you DO, you live it.   In doing so, I have no question in my mind that others will be offended by it.   If you also believe that I am in control of when and if a person becomes offended, I’d say you have a lot of sorting out to do.  I don’t know that this thought vomit will assist in that endeavor but may at least clear a few things up!  There’s plenty more photos to come in the near future.  Whether my body will be the subject remains to be seen but this really isn’t about the vehicle.  It never is!  Think on it, what has my body done for you lately?


Cult of SIN Challenge: Update

IMG_5805On September 8, 2015 I posted THE CULT OF SIN CHALLENGE and by September 30th a package arrived!  Huzzah, at last I own my own copy!  I suppose I should eat crow, it appears the assumption is in fact TRUE, as if I didn’t know that?  Thing is, why should cult followers be ashamed of getting swept up in a cult of personality?  There’s a draw isn’t there?  Some of the anonymous users I’m in contact with have been following my content for years, some even dating back to the 90’s.  Is it my mind? Content? My body? A combination of these things?  Only they can tell you that.    When you express a culture, you cultivate a following. It’s just as simple as that. There’s no right or wrong to it.   If some get a little carried away it’s just the nature of the space.  The Internet is just the carrier.  Mind is the terrain.

I was once accused of “Collecting Bitches” and maybe that’s true to an extent.  I can’t really argue with it.  I mean, you’d have to be a Masochist to put up with me right?  Seeing that I’m so abusive, confrontational and relentless in my inquiries.  It’s apparent to me which of my following get personal gratification from our exchanges, which retreat (only to come back begging for more) and those among them that see what’s really at play.  It’s just a conscious nod of amusement.  I can sure be entertaining!  Cults of Personality have both pros and cons and somewhere in between, in the dark corners beyond is something so few dare to explore.

Proud Sinion

Christ Johnson, aka Heliosdramus, aka Chris John “Proud Sinion”

Speaking of perks, all I asked for was the film. To my surprise, I got (3) bonus items!  Upon removing them from the box, I thought:  What madness is this?  Low and behold, I received not one but two personal massagers (wink wink) and a hematite bracelet.  A Trinacria of Vanity.  I’d call it the full body package.  Good show Mr.!  If you frequent Occult, pagan and Satanic venues I’m sure you’ve run into him.  He describes himself as a former Marine & Luciferian, I’d just describe him as your average blue-collar, Harley riding guy you could easily bump into at your local watering hole.  Would you ban him from the bar for being a goon?  I doubt it.  People on the netz rarely have the same conviction.

Thanks for the goodies Chris, you rock in my book!  Our communication is all public, the lulz, the goofing around and we rarely take this shit that serious.  The Internetz is serious bidness’ they say!   Yeah, well fuck em’ if they don’t get the joke!

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Attack of the Killer Tomato Worms!

As a city-gal that keeps working at the fanny farmer angle, I can tell you, I suck at it.  Year after year each attempt at a home garden has had its trials and tribulations.  I bought my house from a woman who was pretty prolific at it. I figured I was set! Cheater, cheater Pumkin Eater!  She gave me pointers to maintain what she already had on the land but still, I managed to kill it.  I could tell she put a lot of time and resources into the plot in the back.  Everything from a fenced in area for veggies to tonnage of rich soil piled on top of the sand and clay of Virginia’s swamp land.  If it wasn’t my backyard neighbor hurling bags of dog-poo over the fence to salt the Earth, it was  his invasive tree roots robbing the plants of nutrients.  If I wasn’t battling with that, it was contractors coming in to remove fallen trees and jacking my top soil to be sold offbunnies!.   I’ve had many agricultural adversaries, everything from people, environmental conditions to pests  (Bunnies are never pests!)

This year I was going to be more proactive, or so I thought.  I followed the planting season recommendations this past Spring, I composted, sectioned off areas where I’d plant and use natural pesticides.  Rain flooded out a lot of my plants that I started from seeds.  What I could salvage I moved to containers.  I even had a green house but it was taken down by gale force winds, ahhhh the pleasures of Virginia Beach.  I did manage to keep a rather hearty Cherry Tomato plant going, well up until this week.  I didn’t think it was going to bear fruit at all until I noticed yellow-flowers rather late in the season.  I was skeptical but I kept an eye on it.  The Farmer’s Almanac had suggested Dill and Marigolds to keep the Horned Tomato Worm at bay.  That was working out great until the last plant finally died off in the hot summer sun, the weather here has turrets.  Bam, immediately I was inundated with these little bastards.  Best way to get rid of them and save what you’ve grown is to hand-pick them off.  Still, latent larvae will hang out in the soil.  The plant was top-heavy and even with stakes and a Tomato cage, thing toppled over.  I picked as many as I thought would ripen to eat.  The rest will most likely be eaten by the worms.   Attack of the Killer Tomato Worms!

Satan is the poetry of the world and nature is its church.

That’s the tag-line for one of my Photo Albums.  It’s like that.  Maybe this gardening thing comes easy to some people, it never has been for me. I don’t know if I’m suffering  fish-out-of-water syndrome or I’m just failing at life.  It’s not like I don’t read up, take advice from locals or experiment with technique.  I do that plenty.  Each season I’m lucky if I can get some tomatoes and peppers to the finish line to harvest.  I’m not frustrated, I’m just being pragmatic about the whole thing.  Most of the time, I have a good laugh about it.

Attack of the killer Tomato Worms

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It’s the end of the Summer season so I’ve been clearing the yard of items that may get weathered or become projectiles during hurricane season.  Upon posting some of these photos, the small table in the background became a point of focus.  Is it an altar?  No, really this one isn’t.  I had gathered up some of the brass trays from outside and placed them on the table stand for my brass table.  Add a couple of small faux bonzai apple trees, bam. Insta-altar, apparently.  Here’s a photo of the set-up of the actual yard altar.  It’s really an aesthetic and vanity thing for me.  If I’m going to sit outside and enjoy the space, why not decorate?  There’s always a mirror, if that gives you any clue. I’m a Narcissist, for fuck sake.  I do light candles and incense but beyond that, I’m not entirely sure what people think this altar is for.    Just one of many masks I wear I suppose.  The stone-face I’ve made present there may bring that into perspective.

yard altar

This morning I received a message on my website by a rather angry ‘Alchemist’, I should stop fucking around, stop preScary Face Guytending to do powerful magics!  I’m nothing more than a poser and New Ager!  Ok?  Yet, whatever my photos present apparently led this person to believe I’m into the Supernatural.  Tada!  That’s magic isn’t it?  I always find it amusing when people claim ownership of symbols and an aesthetic.  Ok tough guy, go on and stop me from apprehension and use.  Like this recent photo of my garage studio.  I’ve cleaned it up a bit to make room for my new dance pole.  Here I am popping off a shot of my pole and all people see is an altar.   Never mind all my vending crap in the background, or my work bench where I make stuff.  Nothing to see there.  Just a typical Satanist and her meg-shift altar to summon demonz!  Shit, maybe they can help me do some gardening, I should get right on that!

Pole dancer

Meanwhile, back at the funny farm, James Jackson is experiencing a bit of head trauma.  Me and my Satanic Brethren are plotting to take over the world. Muhahahaha, I have tomatoes, who’s bringing the beer?


Fighting for Honor: Conversations with James Jackson

James Jackson writes:  “Occultism feminism panthers Hollywood symbolism spelling it out for secret societies to brag about Bastet witches Mafdet cats witchcraft and other inferior pagan ideas…”

The occult schools are trying to define what is hidden in religion an they are notorious for being fraudulent and lying for power and influence. There are countless contradicting occult societies and they are all inferior and their magic has failed to defeat me at martial arts for instance. One of many examples of them coming up short.

Inferior to what?  One must place a set of ideals on a pedestal before you can begin to address those that are inferior.  James goes on to say:  “There is One God and through him I am over 100-0 in martial arts. Long ago people would prove their religion through wars. When the smoke cleared the 2 largest religions are Christianity and Islam. Now secret societies are manipulating people to destroy those 2 religions so that is how it ends. Masonry, rosicrucians, theosophy, wiccan ect ect greek mysteries, dinoysus, orpheus, platonic schools of thought and more. Philosophy and religion go hand and hand. Religion seeks to join or reconnect with what is spiritual. When you are doing all guess work it is meaningless, only TRUE prophets can define the relationship between God and man. “

Only TRUE prophets?  You can imagine my skepticism with regard to self-awareness.  Just seems to me that Mr. Jackson is getting a bit caught up here.  It may spark an interesting discussion (or Not), It’s led to a scheduled interview and using my… What did he call them?  “You are a satanic feminist who dabbles in witchcraft, one look at your channel and pic one can tell that. What secret society of spiritual bottom feeders do you belong to? THe relationship is supposed to be with God not the devil. Prophets tell it better than anyone else ever has so the proof is in the pudding.”

Moi, a Feminist?  Supposed to be?  Secret Society of Bottom Feeders?  Well hey, sign me up!  Not sure what this guy is trippin’ on but if offered, I’d say “No thanks”.  Pride & Vanity, one of the Devil’s Favorite sins…  Honor?  I’d be curious to learn how this fellow not only defines it but would see it in practice.  Our discussion is scheduled for 9/25/15 6:30 EST.  Any predictions on how it will turn out?  Devil-animated-animation-devil-smiley-emoticon-000386-large

Update: here it goes!

Stop the distress!

Internet? These people need to get a full grasp on information technology. My first exposure to porn pre-dated the Internet. EasyRider Magazine was quite vanilla but may have been pretty risque for 80’s parents. What I liked about it was the comedy and making light of sexual innuendo and the sex act in general.  It had great comics! To a Biker’s kid, a lot of the topics made me laugh deeply.

'Now entering State of Anxiety' 'Uneasy Rider'

‘Now entering State of Anxiety’ ‘Uneasy Rider’

What’s so Taboo about this sex business anyway? I didn’t get the parent talk when I was young, I was handed a copy of “Our Bodies, Ourselves,1971″ . Instead, I was accused of having consensual sex long before I actually did it. I was constantly called a Putha, Slut, Whore and a Skank.  These accusations treated the sex act as a personal assault.  Not because my so-called parents were seeking to protect me but rather a way to avoid having to be burdened with an infant and all that goes with its care.

After the sex was pretty regular I embraced all of these identity pins fully. The pristine seemed a bit jealous from my perspective. When slut-shaming doesn’t work, they tend to move onto something else. “Rape-Shaming” was something I experienced as early as 11. A deaf-kid in my neighborhood chased me around the school yard, stole the ribbon from my hair and he and 2 cousins held me down so they could grope me. Over the clothes and were too chicken shit to actually touch my flesh.  The spread of the rumor that I was RAPED, was to somehow ruin my reputation, the one I was embracing was a Slut; a raped slut, is basically the red sign “DO NOT MARRY”.  Little Italian Catholic girls should want to get married and be whisked away to some ideal in the sky, only I didn’t. I bucked it at every turn.  That wasn’t going to be my life.

The book at the very least gave you crash-course in biology, sexual sociological issues and Erotica-light. It was also my first exposure to Girl on Girl and why society deems the slut abhorrent to fidelity and the Nuclear Family.

Perhaps this information shaped my attitudes towards sex at a young age but none of it would affect having already been sexualized prior to puberty. Personal experience is the best teacher. Adults are clueless and no matter what effort is made to wrap children in protective bubbles, they will find a way to the information. Even that stuff that parents consider off limits.

The more you restrict a child, the more impassioned their quest becomes.  As a parent myself, I didn’t experience a lot of this with my old child, some rebellion sure but not to the tune of the battles described by other parents.  We talked openly about sex, and I probably offered TMI on several occasions.   It’s important to pass along useful information such as staying protected from STD’s and Teen Pregnancy.  Knowing your own children is also knowing whether or not they are mentally and emotionally mature enough for the subject matter.  If they get exposed to something to cause a shock, well that just adds to their knowledge base and experience.  2 girls 1 cup anyone?  If parents are distressed maybe they just can’t handle the realities of the world and end up passing this lack of coping skill onto their kids. How the hell is that useful?

Exposure to these things and robbing kids of their so-called innocence is just another way to say your kids are ideas and not young humans maturing into adults.    *Golf Clap*